after

I think the word depression must be, maybe, the worst word in the world. Ever. Followed closely by moist and mucus. I've written this post, oh, about a thousand times. Seriously. Never pressing publish, never getting below about 25 paragraphs give or take, and never actually writing the word "depression". Because, man, to a happy and positive and seriously my glass is so overflowing, the table is not only soaked, but the wooden floors are probably warped at this point as well, the word "depression" just doesn't go. Doesn't fit. Only, in the hours and days following the arrival of our sweet little Sarah June, it did go. Fit like a glove made just for me...out of barbed wire or scratchy wool or something awful. Sweet Sarah June was born at 12:46pm on a Tuesday afternoon. By 6:00pm that very night, I knew that my nightmare "after" had begun.

In that time, I learned the true terror behind the word depression. The true darkness. And the true inability to believe that you will ever, ever, ever return to yourself. That you will ever walk beyond your front door step without having a panic attack. That you will ever grocery shop again. Or cope. Or go to the gym. Or love your sweet little angel-faced baby in that complete and total way that all of the "unbroken" moms talk about. Or want to be here on this earth ever again. Or stop wanting to punch a wall. Or stop looking at a dark corner in a hidden closet and think that might be a perfectly acceptable place to curl up and stay for the rest of your life. Or not dread the sun fading into night because that's when the really, really bad stuff would start to swirl and choke you until the only breathing you can get out is through sobs. Or ever feel anything happy again. So you stare at the razor and try to build up the courage. Or you look at the pills and think "I think that's how they do this in the movies, right...?" It all just feels so...so real. And so very permanent. You don't see that it's your hormones and you're experiencing something that people don't just cope with by being "better" or "stronger". You don't see that things will get better. You don't see because nothing is clear. You don't see because your mind is so completely taken over, you can hardly finish a complete thought let alone process something visual. You don't see because you don't want to believe that nothing in your line of vision is the same anymore. Everything had changed and I couldn't see the beauty of it because I couldn't see beyond the huge cloud surrounding me and pushing me down. I couldn't see how perfect and peaceful and wonderful and amazing our sweet little girl was. I couldn't see that she was literally every single thing we've prayed for in the past two years of trying to get pregnant.

I read an article on goop.com during one of my many late-night feedings with Sarah June where actress Bryce Howard talks about her postpartum depression. She says, "If I had been able to truthfully convey my ordeal with post-partum depression under the glare of those lights, I most likely would have said no words at all. I simply would have stared at the interviewer with an expression of deep, deep loss." I think that nothing can describe it better than that. It's empty. It's both everything and huge and all-consuming and completely and totally drained and empty and void at the same exact time. Everything and nothing. Blank. Indescribable. A huge, empty, and extremely deep loss.

But...and I don't know how to segway into this in an eloquent way...it just...it did get better. I did fill up again. I read Psalm 143 over and over and over again, I prayed to be surrounded by the Lord's peace and protection in order to sleep, I had a husband brave and graceful enough to call my doctor and help me get the right medicine, a husband brave and graceful enough to wrap me in his arms and stay there all day if he needed to be, I had a doctor who took me seriously, I had tremendous family support, I had friends that called and texted and wrote me letters without the expectation of me getting back to them ever, I had faith and a God who continued to hold my hand through all of this. It was the darkest time of my life...followed closely with the brightest and happiest. Because once you have again after you haven't had, once you can feel again after you haven't been able to, everything is filled with joy. Everything is happiness. My darkest time, my scariest time in life, was because I couldn't feel me. I couldn't feel anything. So when I could feel me again? Lord, was that a gift. To see how happy I am just being simple me. To see how happy I am with a little baby girl who smiles at me and snuggles with me and loves me so completely. To be able to love her back. To be able to truly see her. It's all just such a gift. And without the postpartum depression (there, I wrote the word again), maybe I would never know what a gift it all truly is.

I guess I'm finally pushing publish on this because I want people to know...I want some mama out there to be able to google "ppd" and maybe land on my blog and maybe find some comfort. To know that I felt the same things she might be feeling right then. To know that it did get better. To know that telling someone, anyone, is the smartest and bravest and most courageous thing they will ever do. They aren't broken. They aren't permanently damaged. I want them to know that they've been taken over, but they will and can take over again. That they will recognize themselves again and they will feel that complete and totally and gripping love for their baby that everyone talks about. They will. They can.

So maybe your opinion of me as the gal who makes the happy and uplifting jewelry has changed. Maybe you won't like that I had to take medicine to get better. Maybe you'll think I'm a bad mom. Maybe...but maybe you won't. I hope you won't. It just matters so much to me for people to know that everyone can be affected by this, that it's not just a normal part of pregnancy that you have to live with, but that it's something really serious that can be fought. That they can and should be brave and talk about it to someone. I know that talking to my Cute Husband and having him talk to my doctor, that praying earnestly and constantly to my amazing Lord and receiving His perfect grace made me, just me, the very best mom I could ever be.

So...here goes nothing. Publish.

marcy may photography: baby bump shots

Sweet and oh so talented Marcy took some baby bump photos of Cute Husband and me last week. I know, I know...the belly is quite...shocking...and, well, I'm not sure how I'm standing up either, but I just love that bump and the wiggly gal inside so much, standing upright isn't as much of a priority as it once was.

If you have any photograph needs coming up (family, babies, product shots, or just wanting to capture any old happy-filled moment in life), I seriously can't recommend Marcy enough. Her rates are so reasonable, she's fast as lightening in getting your photos to you, and, well, she's just plain awesome and talented. So, contact her! A family photo session would make a great mama's day gift...just saying.

week nineteen

Well, folks, I've reached week nineteen here in baby-mama-to-be-land and I'm oh so very happy to report that there's a little bump arriving around these parts. I love it so much, even though this means that none of my clothes fit anymore...thank goodness black stretch pants become semi-socially acceptable in public when tucked into high boots. Maybe? I'm telling myself this is the truth. This bump is also fun because soon the people at the gym won't just think I need to be there more often to deal with the gut that's suddenly appeared and they'll also know that during the classes I'm smiling because I feel this little miracle wiggling around in there and not just because I'm super excited for another sprint rotation to Bieber's new Christmas song (although maybe I'm smiling for both reasons?) Also? Also this bump is fun because there's a baby in there! A baby! And there isn't a skinny jean fitting into in any dressing room in the world that would replace the sort of happiness and thankfulness I feel about that right there.

Lots of Friday and Merry Christmas love to you!

stila cream blush

This is my new favorite I will never leave home without you product. It's cream blush. I got it in peony. I know, I know...that word "cream" before "blush" makes it sort of terrifying. Believe me, I too have wound up looking like a cabbage patch doll left in the hands of a two year old with access to mommy's make up bin when I've tried cream blush before, but this stuff? This stuff is sort of magic.

Thanks, Bec, for showing me this goodness!

catch ya later

Hey Y'all. Quick hola and check in before heading to the beaches of the Outer Banks for a week with family. Sorry I've been out of touch. Been busy making samples for my upcoming trade shows and burning glass bottles in the kiln and such. Happy times to you all - I'll catch ya when I return from heaven beach-land! Smooches!

what to wear no. 070811

You guys will never ever guess where we are headed this weekend. A wedding! This is a huge surprise, no? But, hey, a gal can't complain about seeing two great people say "I do" and getting to enjoy a wonderful dinner and dancing to fun tunes and enjoying a cake slice or two...or, in the case of Best Wedding Cake Ever - Ms. Kelly Femenella, that one is for you - a cake slice or five or something...don't judge. Anyway, I wish I were wearing something happy and colorful and fun like the outfit above, but really I'm just going to wear a J.Crew navy blue number with some brown pumps. Ran out of time for fancy dress shopping. Also, the shoes? Can't tell if they would be really cute and fun to wear or if they would just make me feel like I had lumps of concrete on my feet? Thoughts?

ps: oops, I forgot to blog this week. Sincere apologies from camp Lolly.

pps: this sweet gal wrote me an email about Pop Up Yoga that's a'happening around C'ville in the next week or so. Check it out!

dress | heels | wallet | laurel denise heart cuff

what to wear no. 062311

Friends. I am pleased to announce a weekend where Cute Husband and I are staying home. In Charlottesville. Sleeping in our bed. Not putting on any sort of high heeled wedding contraption. I love my friends and have loved their beautiful weddings, but I do believe I am hungering for a weekend at home. It's been a bit too long. So we will stay in and delight in a simple weekend. A little fridays after five, a little farmer's market walk around, a little house cleaning (much, much needed), a little afternoon walk with my sister, a little sitting down with Hunger Games book 2 (yup), and a little date afternoon to Gordonsville to check out this little delicious place.

button tee | pants | sparkly top-sider shoes | bag | laurel denise xoxo ctag necklace

what to wear no. 061011

I'm heading to the beach again (blessed) to celebrate the marriage-to-be of one of my most treasured JMU memory-creating friends, Brooke. Is there a better weekend plan than sitting on the beach, catching up with old friends, reading a new good book (any suggestions? I'm fresh out and I'm going to be at the mercy of the NY Times best seller list on Ms. Kindle), and sipping on fruity cocktails? I think probably no, there's no better plan. Happy summer Friday to all - catch ya next week! Wait...is it officially summer yet? These 90-high-something days sure feel like it's official so I'm going to decide that it's so.

bathing suit | cover up | flip flops | laurel denise laugh rtag necklace

we heart you, too, c-ville mag

Well, well, well, as if vacation weren't sweet enough! Coming home to this lovely article on yours truly and my little jewelry creations is just icing on the cupcake of a life, I tell you. Thanks, C-ville Mag and your wonderful peeps (like this one) for including me in your publication. Consider me blushing. Like, a lot.

ps: Marcy took that picture. She's the best. Duh. Styled it, propped it, and somehow managed to make my hair flip just so despite my lack of a blow dry that particular day (or any particular day...oops).

what to wear no. 052011

Hey, wow, remember that time I left for NYC to do the Stationery Show and I sort of kind of thought I put a little post up here about that little absence and then I get back and realize that I did no such thing? Hmm...yeah...so I guess that happened. Um, so, hi? I'm back! It was a lovely trip, filled with wonderful show hanging outs with this fabulous gal and this super fun and awesome couple and showing the 2012 Planner to some really great buyers and I even got some great NYC-time in with Cute Husband and our NYC friends. Now it's time to move into the gym because, wow, I know everyone knows that New York has great food, but seriously, y'all, New York has great food. Also great shopping. Like, great shopping. So I now own that lovely blue skirt up there. I bought it because when I tried it on, I sort of felt like I still had my pajamas on. And anytime that happens, I consider it an absolute must purchase. No questions asked.

ps: Sweet Nole featured my booth and peeks of the 2012 Planner on her blog! Yay! I heart Oh So Beautiful Paper. I'll post more about the booth and such next week, but if you want a little peek, go here.

pps!: Sorry. Forgot to write this. I'm going to the Craftacular Sale tonight. You all should, too. That's all. No more ps things.

skirt | tank top | sandals | laurel denise shine necklace

day one, year thirty

So, friends, today I'm thirty. Ya know when you're a little gal (all dressed up in frilly dresses climbing a huge cherry tree in the backyard with my favorite book of the moment...because that was my style, friends) and you picture yourself turning thirty? There are things you picture. A house, maybe some white picket action happening, a golden retriever, a handsome husband, and a baby or two running around in sprinklers? I pictured those things, I'm sure of it. Maybe I pictured a horse instead of the dog...never have been much of a dog gal, as much as I tried to force that feeling. More than anything, thirty seemed to be forever into the future. Like, wow, by thirty, life would practically be over and done and, definitely without a doubt, figured out. But I've got to tell you...what I have today on the first day of year thirty in my life is So Much Better than anything I ever pictured as a little gal. I never would have pictured living in a huge open room with a Cute Husband (where's the picket fence?), I never ever would have pictured owning a business that challenged and rewarded me day after day, I never would have picturing believing in God (who's He?!), I never would have pictured all of the amazing friends that have come into my life this year, and I never ever would have pictured that life would sort of feel like it was just beginning. Getting to feel the hope and excitement that something big is a'coming and noticing that something big is a'happening even right now while the "complete" picture is forming is the biggest gift and blessing of all. I'm thankful for it.

This friday fashion post is what my free-spirit-hippie-style-living-at-the-beach-at-heart personality would like to be wearing on this fine birthday. Humor me.

dress | sandals | cardigan | laurel denise see the beauty necklace

studio tour no. 050511

Y'all, this has been a doozy of a week here in laurel denise land. That's right, a doozy. It's one of those weeks where I think at about every corner I turned there was a big "you are doing too many things at once" sign smack dab in front of my face (in, like, neon lights or something) and those signs came in the form of mistakes. Some small (a document is about .5mm off...those .5mm that drive me insane) and some quite large (oh, thought I had a 10x10 booth at the upcoming stationery show - upcoming as in next week, friends - and realized yesterday - yesterday!! a whole week before I fly to nyc for the show! - that I actually have a 10x6 booth). No big deal. Looking at the huge over 6-feet wide posters of the calendar we got printed to hang on the walls kind of makes me a bit sick though, ya know what I mean? So, yeah, it's been one of those weeks. But, if I've learned anything these years, it's that posters and booths get adjusted, .5mm mistakes go completely unnoticed by a normal person (me = not normal) and things move onward and upward. You'd probably also think that I've learned to quadruple check everything. Like, every single thing. But, clearly, I'm still mastering that there lesson, friends.

Plus...PLUS! The caps lost this series big time. I mean, seriously. Salt in the wound, friends, salt in the wound.

stores shipped this week:
JD Myers: Redlands, CA
Frances: Phoenix, AZ
Red Envelope

check in - check out

So, I have a confession. I sort of "checked out" last week. Cute Husband and I went to visit his parents (and brothers and sisters-in-love and their cute kiddie and my sister and brother-in-love and all of their cute kiddies) in nova-land and, well, I didn't really notify anyone. It was sort of bliss, to be able to just relax and workout and catch up on my hulu watching and take a mini break from my studio and, well, get refreshed for what''s going to be quite a busy summer. There was work, of course...I didn't completely neglect my inbox (oh iphone...) and I'm pretty sure there was an entire day devoted to printing the 2012 Calendar and paper sample picking-outs and pattern making and color-choosing. But, really, last week was just what the doctor ordered and now I feel excited and ready to go. Or, I mean, I'm positive I'll feel that way once this coffee sets in...

Thought these cute prints from froschkind were appropriate for my random check out.

weekend moments no. 041611

Where oh where have the last two days gone, y'all? It's been busy, busy, busy here, but I wanted to shoot some cute little weekend prom moments images to the ol' bloggy blog. I've been wanting to do that since Monday morning and just managed to upload the actual images yesterday evening. So, yeah, it's been busy I guess. Anyway, these girls were ah-dorable, friends, saying all kinds of cute "lookin' fresh" type comments (guess that's what the cool kids say these days) and braving shoes that literally hurt my feet and legs and back just looking at them. Ah, prom...it's all about girlfriends and hairspray and shoes that hurt, right? Loved it. After my prom festivities, I finally got the experience a Boylan Heights burger. Friends. Friends. Friends. It lived up to every single expectation I had. I mean, seriously, I got to put a fried green tomato on my burger. On my burger!! It was delightful and not just because that movie and book are the bees knees.

what to wear no. 041511

This weekend, friends, brings us two words: Junior. Prom. (and Game Two, but I think maybe this blog has has its hockey fill...for now?) Do you guys remember junior prom? Man, I still remember, I bought this vintage dress number from the SPCA fall sale thing (before they had the permanent location) and got it all hemmed and fixed up to fit just so and then? Then I chickened out at the last minute. I put it on, it was perfection, and then quickly panicked. "What the heck do I think I'm doing wearing this to Albemarle High School's junior prom?? Did I forget that I was still technically the new girl at that school?" These silly thoughts required my poor sweet momma to buy me yet another dress, a long purple (and safe) number. Lame sauce, right? Wonder what happened to that pink cinderella-ish vintage dress. Ah the decisions of a teenager just trying to fit in...

So, right, blog post, anyway...this weekend I am helping my niece, the one I held literally minutes after she'd been born and marveled at how much hair she had (seriously, y'all, it was curling it was so long!) and how big and blue her eyes were (and still are), get ready for prom. I know everyone says this when they see someone that used to be so little all of a sudden, oh, I don't know, driving a car and getting ready for prom and such, but - really - how is it that it's already time for me to go and do her prom make up and hair? How has time flown that quickly?

dress | pants | cardigan | flats | laurel denise smile tag necklace

red is best

Oh, friends, tonight is sort of monumental in my little household (slash The Room). It's the first night of hockey playoffs and this, my dears, means big business over here. We're nervous and still a little shattered from last year's super sad loss in the first round to Montreal. The fact that our team finished first in its division and the fact that everyone in the sports news offices that gets to pick things like this is picking them to win this series (as Cute Husband, who has had head phones in all morning, listening and watching highlight reels, just informed me), makes us, well, even more nervous. So, in honor of "rocking the red" for the Caps, I have chosen some cute red things to post about this morning. Because if I'm going to write a post about sports on this blog, I definitely need to balance it with cute things, don't you think?

Also? Since when did I become a hockey fan? Marriage. Man, it will get you every time.

one | two | three | four | five (This was my absolute favorite book in the entire world growing up. Entire! World!)

weekend moments no. 040911

A great weekend equals...This team finishing up number one in the east, a trip to this adorable country store for some candied ginger and delicious peanut butter, an amazing sermon here, a lovely walk through neighborhoods like this one, a lovely Sunday night dinner provided by wonderful friends, a first experience at this delicious restaurant (no images because, wow, I was starving), and a successful savings grocery trip inspired by this insane show (insane and inspiring, clearly). I mean, seriously...wonderful C'ville weekend if I've ever heard of one, right?

what to wear no. 040811

Other than some friends coming in from out this weekend, I have a completely empty weekend calendar, folks. Can I remember the last time this has happened? No, no I can't. Bliss! I can't wait to see what surprises are in store for us on this sort of rainy, sort of cloudy weekend with an amazing and delicious 78-degree and sunny Sunday thrown in for happy measure!

pants | tank | shoes | yellow cardigan | laurel denise joy ctag necklace

what to wear no. 040111

Yay for April weekends, friends! That means, despite the text from my most bestest in Philadelphia this morning that it was snowing there, that Spring is...coming...question mark?? It is, it is. Doesn't feel like it, but it is. This weekend is a celebration of friends kind of weekend. Some birthday parties, some skinny marg and maybe this delicious treat making, some opening day at the Farmer's Market enjoying, some laid back friends gathering, and some general hanging around Charlottesville-ness. Couldn't be happier to report that kind of upcoming weekend. But before that, I've got some April 1st orders that need to ship, so away I go to take care of that! Happy Friday, friends. What have you all go on your plates this lovely weekend?

jeans | blouse | boots | laurel denise dwell in hope necklace

ps: don't forget, the 10% off of everything on laureldenise.com is still a'happenin'! use code "six"

pps: almost forgot! go to sparrow & whistle on the facebooks and enter to have a complete closet remix from the super talented Caite White. Dooooo it. She's awesome-sauce.

weekend moments no. 032611

A delightful and chilly (hi, snow) cville weekend spent with the Cute Husband watching movies like this one (obsessed...probably my new favorite movie) and this one (sad...probably not my new favorite movie) and taking walks and making a new journal and eating delicious foods and spending a little time with sweet friends and hanging on Sunday morning at this lovely joint.