internet delights no 102312

And, we're back. Thank goodness almighty. There is no segue for this transition from post partum depression to talking again about pretty little internet delights after, oh, four months of silence is there? Here's the truth, folks: a gal can be sad and then, thank God, not sad anymore...and through it all? She can still love pretty little delights. So let's return to taking about those pretty little delights today. Hopefully they bring smiles to your pretty little faces.

1. I found some fantastic new flats that are sorta pointy, but not too I-work-in-a-corporate-office kind of way, and sorta more my age than some of the shoes I tend to wear (either bright pink tennis shoes or slippers most days. Truth.) Anyway. Aren't these fun? They come in all sorts of colors. I went with the grey. Duh.

2. If you give a gal some fantastic new flats, chances are she's going to ask for some new slippers as well.

3. Gah. I died. Did you die? I just want to squeeze this little elephant and go a little Lenny on his widdle wrinkles. (found on this tumblr)

4. I want this to be a bedspread. Or a towel. Or a rug. But I'll also take it as a pretty fabulous tea towel as well.

5. Little Miss Sarah June likes to make out with and chew on the princess version of this blabla doll all day long.

6. Oh hey there, 2013 Planner. You're here and shipping out every single day and I love you oh so much.

after

I think the word depression must be, maybe, the worst word in the world. Ever. Followed closely by moist and mucus. I've written this post, oh, about a thousand times. Seriously. Never pressing publish, never getting below about 25 paragraphs give or take, and never actually writing the word "depression". Because, man, to a happy and positive and seriously my glass is so overflowing, the table is not only soaked, but the wooden floors are probably warped at this point as well, the word "depression" just doesn't go. Doesn't fit. Only, in the hours and days following the arrival of our sweet little Sarah June, it did go. Fit like a glove made just for me...out of barbed wire or scratchy wool or something awful. Sweet Sarah June was born at 12:46pm on a Tuesday afternoon. By 6:00pm that very night, I knew that my nightmare "after" had begun.

In that time, I learned the true terror behind the word depression. The true darkness. And the true inability to believe that you will ever, ever, ever return to yourself. That you will ever walk beyond your front door step without having a panic attack. That you will ever grocery shop again. Or cope. Or go to the gym. Or love your sweet little angel-faced baby in that complete and total way that all of the "unbroken" moms talk about. Or want to be here on this earth ever again. Or stop wanting to punch a wall. Or stop looking at a dark corner in a hidden closet and think that might be a perfectly acceptable place to curl up and stay for the rest of your life. Or not dread the sun fading into night because that's when the really, really bad stuff would start to swirl and choke you until the only breathing you can get out is through sobs. Or ever feel anything happy again. So you stare at the razor and try to build up the courage. Or you look at the pills and think "I think that's how they do this in the movies, right...?" It all just feels so...so real. And so very permanent. You don't see that it's your hormones and you're experiencing something that people don't just cope with by being "better" or "stronger". You don't see that things will get better. You don't see because nothing is clear. You don't see because your mind is so completely taken over, you can hardly finish a complete thought let alone process something visual. You don't see because you don't want to believe that nothing in your line of vision is the same anymore. Everything had changed and I couldn't see the beauty of it because I couldn't see beyond the huge cloud surrounding me and pushing me down. I couldn't see how perfect and peaceful and wonderful and amazing our sweet little girl was. I couldn't see that she was literally every single thing we've prayed for in the past two years of trying to get pregnant.

I read an article on goop.com during one of my many late-night feedings with Sarah June where actress Bryce Howard talks about her postpartum depression. She says, "If I had been able to truthfully convey my ordeal with post-partum depression under the glare of those lights, I most likely would have said no words at all. I simply would have stared at the interviewer with an expression of deep, deep loss." I think that nothing can describe it better than that. It's empty. It's both everything and huge and all-consuming and completely and totally drained and empty and void at the same exact time. Everything and nothing. Blank. Indescribable. A huge, empty, and extremely deep loss.

But...and I don't know how to segway into this in an eloquent way...it just...it did get better. I did fill up again. I read Psalm 143 over and over and over again, I prayed to be surrounded by the Lord's peace and protection in order to sleep, I had a husband brave and graceful enough to call my doctor and help me get the right medicine, a husband brave and graceful enough to wrap me in his arms and stay there all day if he needed to be, I had a doctor who took me seriously, I had tremendous family support, I had friends that called and texted and wrote me letters without the expectation of me getting back to them ever, I had faith and a God who continued to hold my hand through all of this. It was the darkest time of my life...followed closely with the brightest and happiest. Because once you have again after you haven't had, once you can feel again after you haven't been able to, everything is filled with joy. Everything is happiness. My darkest time, my scariest time in life, was because I couldn't feel me. I couldn't feel anything. So when I could feel me again? Lord, was that a gift. To see how happy I am just being simple me. To see how happy I am with a little baby girl who smiles at me and snuggles with me and loves me so completely. To be able to love her back. To be able to truly see her. It's all just such a gift. And without the postpartum depression (there, I wrote the word again), maybe I would never know what a gift it all truly is.

I guess I'm finally pushing publish on this because I want people to know...I want some mama out there to be able to google "ppd" and maybe land on my blog and maybe find some comfort. To know that I felt the same things she might be feeling right then. To know that it did get better. To know that telling someone, anyone, is the smartest and bravest and most courageous thing they will ever do. They aren't broken. They aren't permanently damaged. I want them to know that they've been taken over, but they will and can take over again. That they will recognize themselves again and they will feel that complete and totally and gripping love for their baby that everyone talks about. They will. They can.

So maybe your opinion of me as the gal who makes the happy and uplifting jewelry has changed. Maybe you won't like that I had to take medicine to get better. Maybe you'll think I'm a bad mom. Maybe...but maybe you won't. I hope you won't. It just matters so much to me for people to know that everyone can be affected by this, that it's not just a normal part of pregnancy that you have to live with, but that it's something really serious that can be fought. That they can and should be brave and talk about it to someone. I know that talking to my Cute Husband and having him talk to my doctor, that praying earnestly and constantly to my amazing Lord and receiving His perfect grace made me, just me, the very best mom I could ever be.

So...here goes nothing. Publish.

2013 planner pre-order sale has begun!

Well, kids, the planners are coming back for 2013. It's been an exciting time over in Laurel Denise land proofing monthly and weekly view files and designing new covers all while changing diapers and cooing and smiling at perhaps the happiest baby girl God ever did create. Yes, yes...an entire post (many of them, I'm sure) dedicated to that smiling face is coming soon, I promise. It's just that there is way too much to say and way too many pictures to go through to post that right now. This post? This post here is to announce that the pre-order sale of the 2013 Laurel Denise Planner has officially begun! Grab them here for $30.00 until September 1st. After that day, they will go back to $35.00. Smooches to you, my happy planning and list-making friends!

(If you'd rather purchase on Etsy, you can follow this link and be taken directly to the Laurel Denise Etsy Shop.)

recent finds no. 052512

 

No. 1: So, I have sort of a "thing" with lavender flavored anything. It's good to my belly. Real good. In a tears come to my eyes when I surprisingly see lavender creme brulee on the menu at a restaurant sort of good to my belly kind of way. Which means these lavender honey drops sound sort of amazing to me. Like a spa in your mouth, no?

No. 2: I think these espadrilles are fantastic.

No. 3: And these wedges seem like the perfect summer shoe that's fancy without being too fancy and comfy.

No. 4: Have you guys ever felt these stuffed animals from heaven? They are maybe the very softest things next to the baby belly/bum combination that exists in this sweet world.

No. 5: Saw this paper cut awesome-ness by Sarah Louise Matthews on the Anthology Blog and might have choked on my carrots covered in veggie dip. Beautiful, yes? (The artwork, not the brain image of me and my carrots covered in dip. Sorry about that one.)

in other news...
-Not sure how I have missed this blog for so long! Rena Tom's blog is filled with so much general business goodness and know-how it's a must for anyone out there doing this creative, retail selling, marketing, business-ing thing. Interesting articles and awesome perspective. Plus, Rena's maybe one of the nicest people out there ever so it's fun to read through something she works on.

-Erin at Design for Mankind did a stellar job on her sunroom. Doesn't it just make you want to curl up and read a book and drink something delicious? I think it's perfection in a room.

-Have loved reading the articles on this great new-to-me mama site, mom.me. Quick and relevant articles and finally a parenting website that doesn't have so much going on that it leaves me confused and overwhelmed and wanting to curl up and hide in a corner somewhere.

recent finds: no. 051812

No. 1: Let the cuteness squealing begin with these tiny toms. (Also, the name? Tiny Toms? Cutest. Ever.)

No. 2: I allow myself two of these little peanut butter chocolate balls every night after dinner. And sometimes after lunch. And sometimes "after dinner" means after the bowl of ice cream that I've already had for dessert. No big deal.

No. 3: I'm certainly not to proud to want an overnight bag that was in the kids section at J.Crew. So cute, right?

No. 4: I mean, seriously, this is absolutely brilliant.  

No. 5: Happy, happy socks.

recent finds no. 050412

No. 1: I just finished this James study and so purchasing this print seemed like a no-brainer.

No. 2: Gah. This book! I don't agree with every single thing the book says, but it really is a great resource in the search for the whole "how in the heck do I do this whole raising a human being and help them to be sweet and happy and pleasant to be around and wonderful and all of those good things" problem that runs around in my head quite often. No child's guide book is perfect, I know, and it's all very personal and needs to be adjusted according to your own family, but I enjoyed this read and agreed with lots.

No. 3: These flats are magical.  

No. 4: You, little striped onesie of happiness, are adorable. 

No. 5: You guys...I saw these in person last week and almost fell off the couch out of complete obsession with the cuteness. I could hardly stand it! A local C'ville mama makes these goods and sells the patterns in her Etsy shop. I'm not a knitter (like photograpy, this is one special skill I just can't master), but I know that many of you are. Check out her shop and buy a pattern or two. Because, I mean, seriously, don't you need adorable piggies surrounding your ice cream? Because I do. I know I do. One hundred and ten percent.

recent finds no 042612

 

No. 1: I know, I know, I thought ice cream couldn't get to be more fun. But these teaspoons sort of insist on more fun...and more ice cream. Two very good things.

No. 2: Fine...fine! You're the cutest stripey bag there ever was to be.

No. 3: This i-phone case seems like one big smile to me. (caught on Paper + Cup Blog first)

No. 4: You guys. You guys. This stuff? This stuff is pure heaven on The Belly. I ran out a week or so ago and practically wept when I finally found it again in a Kroger grocery store, of all places. Don't mind me, just the really short 8 month pregnant gal in the organic skincare section of the grocery store with tears of happiness running down her face. No big deal.

...I made these watermelon cube things this week and they were good with a capital G. Only I did basil instead of mint because I was stuck in a grocery store without a fast 3G connection and couldn't remember the green thing that was paired with the feta and watermelon deliciousness and thought "basil...how bad could it be??"