internet delights no. 102912

 

1. So... this exists. You're welcome.

2. Somehow these jumped into my cart at Old Navy. In two sizes. Weird.

3. Found these at Rock, Paper, Scissors in Charlottesville the other day and maybe squealed out loud and probably spent about ten minutes (with Sarah June in tow) deciding which happy design and color I should go with. It was time well spent. 

4. Would I wear this dress? I want so much to say yes, but I'm just not sure that I really would. Because, you know, it's a color and all.

5. Well, hey there, happy zig zag rug with your pop of yellow color on the edges, very nice to see you sitting there in the sale section.

6. More tiny gold shoes. I have a serious problem, you guys. 

ps: These are amazing (from Cup of Jo first) //

internet delights no 102312

And, we're back. Thank goodness almighty. There is no segue for this transition from post partum depression to talking again about pretty little internet delights after, oh, four months of silence is there? Here's the truth, folks: a gal can be sad and then, thank God, not sad anymore...and through it all? She can still love pretty little delights. So let's return to taking about those pretty little delights today. Hopefully they bring smiles to your pretty little faces.

1. I found some fantastic new flats that are sorta pointy, but not too I-work-in-a-corporate-office kind of way, and sorta more my age than some of the shoes I tend to wear (either bright pink tennis shoes or slippers most days. Truth.) Anyway. Aren't these fun? They come in all sorts of colors. I went with the grey. Duh.

2. If you give a gal some fantastic new flats, chances are she's going to ask for some new slippers as well.

3. Gah. I died. Did you die? I just want to squeeze this little elephant and go a little Lenny on his widdle wrinkles. (found on this tumblr)

4. I want this to be a bedspread. Or a towel. Or a rug. But I'll also take it as a pretty fabulous tea towel as well.

5. Little Miss Sarah June likes to make out with and chew on the princess version of this blabla doll all day long.

6. Oh hey there, 2013 Planner. You're here and shipping out every single day and I love you oh so much.

after

I think the word depression must be, maybe, the worst word in the world. Ever. Followed closely by moist and mucus. I've written this post, oh, about a thousand times. Seriously. Never pressing publish, never getting below about 25 paragraphs give or take, and never actually writing the word "depression". Because, man, to a happy and positive and seriously my glass is so overflowing, the table is not only soaked, but the wooden floors are probably warped at this point as well, the word "depression" just doesn't go. Doesn't fit. Only, in the hours and days following the arrival of our sweet little Sarah June, it did go. Fit like a glove made just for me...out of barbed wire or scratchy wool or something awful. Sweet Sarah June was born at 12:46pm on a Tuesday afternoon. By 6:00pm that very night, I knew that my nightmare "after" had begun.

In that time, I learned the true terror behind the word depression. The true darkness. And the true inability to believe that you will ever, ever, ever return to yourself. That you will ever walk beyond your front door step without having a panic attack. That you will ever grocery shop again. Or cope. Or go to the gym. Or love your sweet little angel-faced baby in that complete and total way that all of the "unbroken" moms talk about. Or want to be here on this earth ever again. Or stop wanting to punch a wall. Or stop looking at a dark corner in a hidden closet and think that might be a perfectly acceptable place to curl up and stay for the rest of your life. Or not dread the sun fading into night because that's when the really, really bad stuff would start to swirl and choke you until the only breathing you can get out is through sobs. Or ever feel anything happy again. So you stare at the razor and try to build up the courage. Or you look at the pills and think "I think that's how they do this in the movies, right...?" It all just feels so...so real. And so very permanent. You don't see that it's your hormones and you're experiencing something that people don't just cope with by being "better" or "stronger". You don't see that things will get better. You don't see because nothing is clear. You don't see because your mind is so completely taken over, you can hardly finish a complete thought let alone process something visual. You don't see because you don't want to believe that nothing in your line of vision is the same anymore. Everything had changed and I couldn't see the beauty of it because I couldn't see beyond the huge cloud surrounding me and pushing me down. I couldn't see how perfect and peaceful and wonderful and amazing our sweet little girl was. I couldn't see that she was literally every single thing we've prayed for in the past two years of trying to get pregnant.

I read an article on goop.com during one of my many late-night feedings with Sarah June where actress Bryce Howard talks about her postpartum depression. She says, "If I had been able to truthfully convey my ordeal with post-partum depression under the glare of those lights, I most likely would have said no words at all. I simply would have stared at the interviewer with an expression of deep, deep loss." I think that nothing can describe it better than that. It's empty. It's both everything and huge and all-consuming and completely and totally drained and empty and void at the same exact time. Everything and nothing. Blank. Indescribable. A huge, empty, and extremely deep loss.

But...and I don't know how to segway into this in an eloquent way...it just...it did get better. I did fill up again. I read Psalm 143 over and over and over again, I prayed to be surrounded by the Lord's peace and protection in order to sleep, I had a husband brave and graceful enough to call my doctor and help me get the right medicine, a husband brave and graceful enough to wrap me in his arms and stay there all day if he needed to be, I had a doctor who took me seriously, I had tremendous family support, I had friends that called and texted and wrote me letters without the expectation of me getting back to them ever, I had faith and a God who continued to hold my hand through all of this. It was the darkest time of my life...followed closely with the brightest and happiest. Because once you have again after you haven't had, once you can feel again after you haven't been able to, everything is filled with joy. Everything is happiness. My darkest time, my scariest time in life, was because I couldn't feel me. I couldn't feel anything. So when I could feel me again? Lord, was that a gift. To see how happy I am just being simple me. To see how happy I am with a little baby girl who smiles at me and snuggles with me and loves me so completely. To be able to love her back. To be able to truly see her. It's all just such a gift. And without the postpartum depression (there, I wrote the word again), maybe I would never know what a gift it all truly is.

I guess I'm finally pushing publish on this because I want people to know...I want some mama out there to be able to google "ppd" and maybe land on my blog and maybe find some comfort. To know that I felt the same things she might be feeling right then. To know that it did get better. To know that telling someone, anyone, is the smartest and bravest and most courageous thing they will ever do. They aren't broken. They aren't permanently damaged. I want them to know that they've been taken over, but they will and can take over again. That they will recognize themselves again and they will feel that complete and totally and gripping love for their baby that everyone talks about. They will. They can.

So maybe your opinion of me as the gal who makes the happy and uplifting jewelry has changed. Maybe you won't like that I had to take medicine to get better. Maybe you'll think I'm a bad mom. Maybe...but maybe you won't. I hope you won't. It just matters so much to me for people to know that everyone can be affected by this, that it's not just a normal part of pregnancy that you have to live with, but that it's something really serious that can be fought. That they can and should be brave and talk about it to someone. I know that talking to my Cute Husband and having him talk to my doctor, that praying earnestly and constantly to my amazing Lord and receiving His perfect grace made me, just me, the very best mom I could ever be.

So...here goes nothing. Publish.

recent finds no. 052512

 

No. 1: So, I have sort of a "thing" with lavender flavored anything. It's good to my belly. Real good. In a tears come to my eyes when I surprisingly see lavender creme brulee on the menu at a restaurant sort of good to my belly kind of way. Which means these lavender honey drops sound sort of amazing to me. Like a spa in your mouth, no?

No. 2: I think these espadrilles are fantastic.

No. 3: And these wedges seem like the perfect summer shoe that's fancy without being too fancy and comfy.

No. 4: Have you guys ever felt these stuffed animals from heaven? They are maybe the very softest things next to the baby belly/bum combination that exists in this sweet world.

No. 5: Saw this paper cut awesome-ness by Sarah Louise Matthews on the Anthology Blog and might have choked on my carrots covered in veggie dip. Beautiful, yes? (The artwork, not the brain image of me and my carrots covered in dip. Sorry about that one.)

in other news...
-Not sure how I have missed this blog for so long! Rena Tom's blog is filled with so much general business goodness and know-how it's a must for anyone out there doing this creative, retail selling, marketing, business-ing thing. Interesting articles and awesome perspective. Plus, Rena's maybe one of the nicest people out there ever so it's fun to read through something she works on.

-Erin at Design for Mankind did a stellar job on her sunroom. Doesn't it just make you want to curl up and read a book and drink something delicious? I think it's perfection in a room.

-Have loved reading the articles on this great new-to-me mama site, mom.me. Quick and relevant articles and finally a parenting website that doesn't have so much going on that it leaves me confused and overwhelmed and wanting to curl up and hide in a corner somewhere.

recent finds no. 050412

No. 1: I just finished this James study and so purchasing this print seemed like a no-brainer.

No. 2: Gah. This book! I don't agree with every single thing the book says, but it really is a great resource in the search for the whole "how in the heck do I do this whole raising a human being and help them to be sweet and happy and pleasant to be around and wonderful and all of those good things" problem that runs around in my head quite often. No child's guide book is perfect, I know, and it's all very personal and needs to be adjusted according to your own family, but I enjoyed this read and agreed with lots.

No. 3: These flats are magical.  

No. 4: You, little striped onesie of happiness, are adorable. 

No. 5: You guys...I saw these in person last week and almost fell off the couch out of complete obsession with the cuteness. I could hardly stand it! A local C'ville mama makes these goods and sells the patterns in her Etsy shop. I'm not a knitter (like photograpy, this is one special skill I just can't master), but I know that many of you are. Check out her shop and buy a pattern or two. Because, I mean, seriously, don't you need adorable piggies surrounding your ice cream? Because I do. I know I do. One hundred and ten percent.

recent finds no 042612

 

No. 1: I know, I know, I thought ice cream couldn't get to be more fun. But these teaspoons sort of insist on more fun...and more ice cream. Two very good things.

No. 2: Fine...fine! You're the cutest stripey bag there ever was to be.

No. 3: This i-phone case seems like one big smile to me. (caught on Paper + Cup Blog first)

No. 4: You guys. You guys. This stuff? This stuff is pure heaven on The Belly. I ran out a week or so ago and practically wept when I finally found it again in a Kroger grocery store, of all places. Don't mind me, just the really short 8 month pregnant gal in the organic skincare section of the grocery store with tears of happiness running down her face. No big deal.

...I made these watermelon cube things this week and they were good with a capital G. Only I did basil instead of mint because I was stuck in a grocery store without a fast 3G connection and couldn't remember the green thing that was paired with the feta and watermelon deliciousness and thought "basil...how bad could it be??"

recent finds: 041312

No. 1: Have you guys heard about this food philosophy about eating for your blood type? My friend Brett told me about it years ago. I'm not a believer in big, fad diet things (just a believer in making as many healthy choices throughout the day as you can), but I've been considering reading up on the info behind this idea because I had to start taking iron supplements for baby girl recently and, ever since, I have never felt better. I can't really workout anymore, but I think that has more to do with the watermelon on my midsection than it does about general health. Anyway, since taking the iron, I feel clearer and more energetic and just healthier during my daily doings. Makes a gal who's been pretty sleepy her whole life take notice.

No. 2: Have you ever...I mean, seriously, have you ever seen something so cute? Ever ever? (via Marcy)

No. 3: So cool. (via Unruly Things)

No. 4: I live in fear of the mixer that I'm watching over for a friend without enough kitchen space. It's just so big...and heavy...and loud...how can it possibly not jump off the shelf when I try to use it and just gobble me right up? I never have purchased a sweet little hand mixer because who needs that when you don't, um, bake? But lately, maybe it's baby or maybe it's just the new house, I've been wanting to, like, prepare things in the kitchen! It's shocking even to me. Since I'm still afraid of the big girl mixer, I think this cute little happy handheld mixer might be a good introduction.

No. 5: I'm needing a diaper bag that isn't too girly so that Cute Husband can carry it around, too. This one from Skip Hop is close...I think. Maybe.

-eye opening images - evolution of cheerleaders (via Cup of Jo)
-cool article on the pressure of living up to it all (via lucy)
-how to soften brown sugar (this article was helpful as I took a kitchen knife to the brick that was formally known as my brown sugar this week)

marcy may photography: baby bump shots

Sweet and oh so talented Marcy took some baby bump photos of Cute Husband and me last week. I know, I know...the belly is quite...shocking...and, well, I'm not sure how I'm standing up either, but I just love that bump and the wiggly gal inside so much, standing upright isn't as much of a priority as it once was.

If you have any photograph needs coming up (family, babies, product shots, or just wanting to capture any old happy-filled moment in life), I seriously can't recommend Marcy enough. Her rates are so reasonable, she's fast as lightening in getting your photos to you, and, well, she's just plain awesome and talented. So, contact her! A family photo session would make a great mama's day gift...just saying.

recent finds: 040612

No. 1: Oh, hey, adorable little girl shirt. I like you so very much.

No. 2: And I can't possibly leave you out, adorable shirt dress.

No. 3: Such a perfect bag.

No. 4: I think that I would love to smell of lovely sea breeze beach fragrance while getting smooth and shiny skin this summer, don't you agree? (via Cup of Jo)

No. 5: Isn't this tea kettle just the most beautiful shade of blue? I love it so.

No. 6: Ever been caught outside in a storm and had your umbrella flip all inside out, revealing your hair in a wet tangled mess, causing your bags to fly about when all you can do is silently pray that your ill-advised choice of a sundress doesn't flip up, too? No? Just me? Makes me hope this Blunt umbrella technology really works. That would be sort of fabulous.

No. 7: You guys didn't think I could post without posting about a shoe today, did you? Not. Possible.

Other exciting things found on the internets this week:
-This is a super awesome make your own flowers tutorial from Creature Comforts. Super awesome.
-Cute how-to glittered wire name signs on Oh Happy Day

ps: I guess I decided to blog about things that are pink and blue today, huh?

pps: This is where I'll be on Sunday. I think you should be there, too. Happy Easter, friends!

recent finds: 032312

No. 1: Here's the thing...I'm not very good at sharing my snacks. Not very good at all. I'm great, however, at sharing other people's snacks. Especially those found on Cute Husband's plate. I think I should get the poor man one of these plates, don't you? He sort of requires a little bear ninja to protect his food. (Saw it on Oh Joy first!)

No. 2: I've been making a little list called "reasons I neeeeeeed an ipad" for a few months now. I just might have convinced myself that it is true, I do indeed "need" one. And, if I do wind up getting one, I think this case is just about the happiest and most awesome one out there, yes?

No. 3: Can't get enough of this stuff this week (slash ever?). I have a "thing" with cereal. It's normally not allowed in our house (ever...seriously), but at seven months pregnant I've decided that this mama here deserves a little cereal in her life.

No. 4: Oh hey, adorable little sweet baby girl's dress. So nice to see you!

No. 5: Have you gals ever used this stuff? It's filled with an awesome super power that makes your eyelashes big and full and long and happy for a long, long time. For serious.

No. 6: I pretty much rock a pair of gold sandals every single day in the summer. I don't know...they are easy, not too blingy, but don't just look like I have rubber flops on (which are called for and awesome, too). Wearing a white tee and jeans with gold flops makes a gal feel fancier or something. Anyway, my pair from last year have seen better days (no, seriously, every single day I wear them), so I'm in search for a new pair. Not sure this snakeskin version fills the "not too blingy" requirement, but they are close...ish. Maybe.

A good read about falling in love with your kids.
A sweet letter about love. (great find, Marcy!)
Spent some time on a quiet morning reading through the newest issue of Sweet Paul. So good. Just so good.

recent finds: 030212

No. 1: Pretty pillow from Oilo.

No. 2: These little go everywhere bags are the just the best. Seriously, I love mine. I bought one for my best friend and one for me and I will definitely be buying more. The colors are so happy and they are just so darn functional, I can't believe it. (I bought mine locally at O'Suzannah - they have bunches of happy colors all over the shop.)

No. 3: You're adorable, you happy little iphone case. Adorable.

No. 4: Happy stripes for your feet! Your feet! Goodness gracious, how I love you, you happy little striped flats. You make me feel like dancing while I unload the dishwasher. Which, really, is the true test of a good pair of shoes, don't you think?

No. 5: These jars keep all of my fresh cut veggies and leftovers contained in my refrigerator. I like them very much...much more than spelling "refrigerator". Does anyone get that right on the first try without spell check? If you do, gold star to you, my friend! Super big gold star.

No. 6: I just...I can't...I mean...oh my goodness gracious almighty. Have you ever seen anything cuter than these? Ever?? Because, for the record, I think I have not.

recent finds: 021712

No. 1: So, I guess these lunchboxes are for kids? Yeah? But, really, I'd rock this thing every single lunch time if given the chance. Even though I don't pack lunches...since I work from home and my kitchen is about ten steps and a hop over our super official shipping station on the floor from where I sit most of each day.

No. 2: Do you know that Cute Husband and I have numbers for each other? Our birth dates. They are everywhere in our house. Every. Where. Seriously. We're kind of obsessed. And I like these illustrated ones by Paul Thurlby I wonder what number sweet baby girl will have to add into the mix. I'm sure it will be perfect and adorable and sweet because, duh, everything about her is. Right? Right.

No. 3: Here's the thing. These chocolate bars are heaven in chocolate. I'm convinced. Marcy and I scoured the NYC Whole Foods for them last week because maybe we had a piece (or five) of these little guys every single day of the NY Gift Show in August (no big deal) and we couldn't find them. It was pregnancy meltdown time in the bakery section, let me tell you. My taste buds were longing (longing, I tell you!) for the salty and sweet goodness. How could Whole Foods deny this emotional and hungry pregnant lady? But they were no where to be found.

No. 4: Well, hey there, adorable heart print. You fill me with happiness and might be just perfect for sweet baby girl's nursery. I suppose I've got to put some sort of pink in there among the greys, right?

No. 5: Straws with hearts on them, people. Hearts! Happiness sips.

No. 6: Ummm...happiest cutting boards ever. These might actually make me excited about, you know, spending time cutting things in the kitchen? Maybe?

we're having a little lady

Welp, there's a baby in there, folks. That. Is. For. Sure. A very swiftly growing little LADY! We found out officially today and we are just delighted! A healthy, wiggling, squirmy and cute (even in the weird 3D imaging thing they do) little lady. Blessed. Thankful. Filled with happiness and complete awe.

week nineteen

Well, folks, I've reached week nineteen here in baby-mama-to-be-land and I'm oh so very happy to report that there's a little bump arriving around these parts. I love it so much, even though this means that none of my clothes fit anymore...thank goodness black stretch pants become semi-socially acceptable in public when tucked into high boots. Maybe? I'm telling myself this is the truth. This bump is also fun because soon the people at the gym won't just think I need to be there more often to deal with the gut that's suddenly appeared and they'll also know that during the classes I'm smiling because I feel this little miracle wiggling around in there and not just because I'm super excited for another sprint rotation to Bieber's new Christmas song (although maybe I'm smiling for both reasons?) Also? Also this bump is fun because there's a baby in there! A baby! And there isn't a skinny jean fitting into in any dressing room in the world that would replace the sort of happiness and thankfulness I feel about that right there.

Lots of Friday and Merry Christmas love to you!

what's in a miracle?

I've pictured myself writing this post for almost two years. I pictured starting it with something about how the ceiling at my doctor's office has, like, 17.888888 (give or take) little squares on it. Or big ones. The kinds you see in elementary schools...or, um, doctors' offices? I would sit there waiting for the doctor, every three of four days or so (bless you, medical insurance), and I would count the squares. Because what else could you do? I didn't want to think about maybe not being able to have a baby (that's why I was there - have I mentioned that yet?) because how on earth could that be possible when my sisters have, oh, about a million cuties floating around out there and my mama never ever had any troubles in the baby department and I have the best husband in the world who is supposed to be a dad I just know it. So, I counted ceiling panels.

And I prayed. Prayed for whatever the plan was...that I'd feel comfortable with it. That I would be given the blessed peace that surpasses all understanding. And sometimes cried. But mostly just waited. And waited. And in the waiting really did get that peace. Truly. Because where else do we really get that peace, but in the waiting? And it left me, the Type A-not-so-great-at-waiting-er, learning how to sit and really rest in the waiting. Not making lists, forgetting to even do the things the books told me to do (I did, however, purchase that fancy thermometer...just kept forgetting to actually take the temperature), forgetting to even really read through the books. In the wait, I found a new kind of trust and dependence on God. One I guess I thought I'd had, but was really given with this awesome time of waiting. A hope not in an end result, but that whatever the result was, it would be perfect and wonderful and just right. Such a gift. A miracle. The first we'd see.

The second came at the gym on September 16th, when I somehow forgot to bring my water bottle and was forced to the water fountain. A water fountain filled with water that tasted like nickles and pennies. Not the usual way of the water fountain, you know? It was odd and led me to a test which led me to the sweet sight of a plus sign (I never did enjoy math, but that plus sign was the prettiest thing I'd seen until my ultrasound a few days later) which led me to a tear-filled announcement with my Cute Husband (and some jumping around) which led me to a blood test and led me to a sweet, sweet confirmation. Which led me, ultimately, to three months on my knees in prayer. Full and complete dependence. "Please save this baby...please let this be real...please let the baby be safe...please help me calm! down! and relax and stop! worrying!..." Prayers that were, miraculously, answered.

And the third miracle comes now, with the passing of my first trimester and the continuation of many, many answered prayers. I'm so thankful I have a God that stood by me and held my hand during this wait, I'm thankful for the answered prayers, and I'm thankful for this journey in its entirety. From two years ago to now. I'm thankful for every moment and I can't wait to see more miracles unfold...as I hear, this is just the beginning.